AN EVANGELISTIC APPROACH TO INTERFAITH MARRIAGES

By Nikki H. 

As the producer and director of a documentary video on interfaith marriages called Joined Together?, I quickly learned from my research that the world of intermarried couples was a unique and appropriate field for evangelism. Typically, both parties in a Jewish-gentile couple were straining to find common ground on issues that were either under the surface in their marriage or not easily labeled. 

In this short article I would like to share what I learned about developing a missiological strategy for reaching these couples. As I thought about how to best utilize Joined Together?, By soliciting the experiences of Jewish-gentile couples through advice, comments, and focus groups, I realized that I could accomplish two goals at the same time:

      1. Work on the quality and content of the video to better by understanding our audience and sharpen the focus of the project.

      2. Use the process of market-testing the film as a means of sharing the gospel and actually try out some new methods of communication in our postmodern culture. 

Understanding the Audience

Identifying with objections and discomfort

During the process of making Joined Together?, I first made a "rough cut." This is a version of the video that contained just the interviews and content of the dialogue without additional visuals or music. Within the development process, I brought Art onto the production team. He is a non-believing Jewish prime-time television editor. He worked with me on the rough cut. 

After viewing the initial sequence, Art's response was surprising. He looked at the footage and said,

"You can't just plunk down the fact in the middle of the video that Jews believe in Jesus as the Messiah. Any Jewish person watching this is going to react to that statement. We have to put in a response to it. We have to make sure the audience knows that YOU know how they are feeling." 

He actually suggested adding the following sequence:

NARRATOR

THOUSANDS OF JEWS HAVE COME UPON THE STARTLING REVELATION THAT JESUS IS INDEED THE MESSIAH. INSTEAD OF ONLY SEEING JESUS AS THE CHRISTIAN GOD, THEY NOW VIEW HIM AS THE PROMISED JEWISH MESSIAH OF THE HEBREW SCRIPTURES AND REALIZE THAT A JEWISH PERSON WHO ACCEPTS THAT CLAIM REMAINS JEWISH. 
 

LISA

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU BELIEVE IN THIS? HOW DO YOU KNOW? I MEAN HOW DO YOU KNOW?  

TOM

THERE IS JUDAISM AND THEN THERE IS CHRISTIANITY!! 

ERIC

BELIEVING IN CHRIST WAS FINE FOR DEB … HOWEVER I WAS A JEW! 

ROGER

I ONLY WANTED SOMETHING IN TIMES OF TROUBLE 

BLAKE (a gentile spouse)

I KNEW THAT YESHUA WAS JEWISH, BUT I HADN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT HOW THAT WOULD AFFECT THE JEWISH PERSON

INTERFAITH MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

WHEN COUPLES HEAR THE SOLUTION, THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME. EVERYTHING THEY'VE HEARD IS ON ONE LEVEL AND THIS IS ASKING THEM TO GO TO A DEEPER LEVEL. 

It is important to let your audience know that you understand their sensitivity to the subject.

Like most people, they first want to know that you understand their dilemma. Demonstrating an appreciation for their perspective is a key element in seeking to share with Jewish-gentile couples. Understanding these nuances takes a bit of effort. The difficulties these couples encounter constitute a set of challenges unique to the culture of this newly emergent people group. 

Equally important as communicating Jesus to the Jewish partner, is the need to identify with their cultural responses to all things "Christian." Broaching the messiahship of Jesus is a challenge, since he is usually perceived as the unique "Christian God" who is not for the Jews - ever. In other words, it is advantageous to anticipate the Jewish response to the message about Jesus, and let them know you can, at least, empathize with how they feel about the subject.

The Sideways Approach

People don't usually like to feel that they have been targeted. This is true especially within the Jewish community. The word proselytize is considered a negative term, culturally associated with forced conversions by Christians in medieval times long past. 

Often our Jewish people feel ethically compelled to respond with the obligatory "No thanks - I'm Jewish" whenever Jesus is offered as a spiritual option or presented as a theological solution. Growing up in New York, I learned to respond to religious dialogue about Jesus with the immediate disclaimer that I call the Jewish waiver. We say, "I'm Jewish" as a means of terminating the conversation and chilling any notion of further proselytizing efforts. 

Given this understanding, and applying it to the distinct sensitivities of intermarried couples, I found what I call the "sideways approach." It is a method that seems to work best when initially presenting the gospel. As a matter of fact, I now utilize this approach frequently in my evangelistic communication efforts. 

I have found that if I can provide a good excuse for someone to give themselves permission to hear good news, then they will more readily enter into a conversation about the Lord. Let me give you some examples: 

* Once I had the rough cut of the Joined Together? video, I was able to use that to open doors for discussion and feedback. Whenever I met someone in an interfaith marriage I said, "Oh, I'm producing a documentary on interfaith marriages and would love to have your feedback on this before it is complete." Most individuals were flattered, but then I put in a qualifier: "I need to tell you, there is an agenda in the documentary that you might not agree with or might make you upset." More often than not, the person assured me that they were perfectly able to be objective and give me valuable feedback. And so conversations about the Lord ensued. They were hearing the message as an observer instead of as a target. They were free to dialogue with me about the content from their own experience. 

* Art, the prime-time television editor who I previously mentioned, heard I was doing this project and offered to do the editing on it. Art is Jewish and is married to a non-Jewish woman. Neither of them believed in God, let alone Jesus. I saw that this could be a wonderful opportunity to have built-in feedback from our primary audience. It could be an occasion to share the gospel with him as well. However, before I would allow him to work on the project, I put in a qualifier: "Art, I'm not sure this is the project for you. You will be hearing about God and Jesus the whole time. It might not be your cup of tea." When Art insisted, and after I prayed about it, I felt it was from the Lord. It is clear that God is still working on Art's heart. He is now exploring the truth of the gospel for himself. He is separated from his wife, who has recently become a believer. I received a call yesterday from a friend who told me they saw Art walking into the side door of their Sunday morning church service for the first time. 

* When the video was complete, one of the first opportunities we had to show it to a group of people was at our "Cast and Crew' screening. This was held at CBS studios. Several non-believers who were involved in the project or were friends of the crew showed up at this screening. I was a little nervous about possibly encountering a hostile response. We did a short panel discussion with Q&A immediately following the screening. I realized that most of the Jewish non-believers present felt like they were being invited to view and provide input on a topic that they could watch from a safe place of detachment. Actually, some of the responses following the screening were terrific. One Jewish atheist said, "It actually makes sense. It was surprisingly excellent and very touching." His wife wanted to know if she could get a copy to mail to her daughter who is in an interfaith marriage. I doubt they would have been that open had I approached them directly to offer something unsolicited to help them with their daughter.

Relating to the Culturally Familiar

I purposely put key subliminal elements into the cultural content of Joined Together? for the Jewish spouse to identify with. Woven throughout the project are melodies as familiar to the Jewish ear as is the doxology to an American Christian congregation. When talking about the Trinity, I underscored the music with the traditional Jewish Shema melody: "Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one."  

I also have images of items familiar to most Jews. There are Passover Haggadahs, Shabbat candle lighting scenes, and the traditional Jewish prayer shawl known as a tallit. Many of these items were used in the context of talking about bringing Yeshua into the marriage. Often, within interfaith marriages, couples feel like they have to fight for turf to maintain their share of tradition and religious influence on their children. Sometimes spouses even show off the benefits of their cultural or religious upbringing. 

When ministering to intermarried couples, I try to make sure that each person has a connection point of cultural familiarity.  I find that without this point of identification for each party, one of the spouses is likely to feel alienated or marginalized.

When relating to intermarrieds. put them at ease. Try to take away any fears they might have that you are there to change them or press them to relinquish their cultural orientation. Frequently, those of us who are both Jewish and followers of Jesus can be used to help translate nuances between the Jewish and gentile partners. 

The Spiritual Perspective

It is important, when presenting potential solutions to challenges that an interfaith couple might encounter, that we approach it in terms of the spiritual solution. There are already enough traditional approaches being pressed on them, like blending traditions or one-faith solutions. The pressure to solve relational tensions by simply converting to a different religion fails to emphasize what God might want to offer the couple. The solutions I present in the film are not about traditions or culture, but rather flow from the spiritual condition of humanity and God's intended relationship with his children.

Ways to utilize Joined Together?

The interfaith marriage video Joined Together? has won three Aurora awards. They were for best directing, best low budget, and best life skills documentary. Additionally, it was a main entry in the Damah film festival and a finalist in the People's Choice awards at the National Religious Broadcasters convention.  

I produced two versions of Joined Together? One is shorter, and is intended as a pre-evangelistic tool for Christians to use in eventually sharing the gospel with Jewish-gentile friends or contacts. It is called the short or half-hour version. It emphasizes that there are spiritual solutions to the challenges that couples are facing. It suggests that there is a way to break down the dividing wall between Jew and gentile, but it does not mention Yeshua. It is useful for starting conversations with Jewish-gentile couples. The longer version provides the complete package. A couple watching it would hear testimonies and have the gospel clearly presented to them. 

In addition, it is possible to give the video to a Jewish-gentile couple and ask them for their feedback on it. This too is a great way to open a conversation. Some congregations are using this video as a tool for outreach events. 

In Maryland, one of the Messianic congregations has partnered with six different churches to offer combined outreaches using the video as the point of discussion. Hundreds of congregants attended the preliminary training session and then invited their intermarried friends to the outreach/screening. Hundreds of people have attended, and the outreaches were followed up with six-weeks of small group discussions for those couples that were interested.

Thoughts In Retrospect

My ultimate goal in producing the Joined Together? video was to present the gospel to an audience of Jewish-gentile couples.  Most of the rabbis I spoke with, and Christian clergy too, advocated that the only ideal solution for intermarried couples was the conversion of one spouse to the religion of the other. Of course, happily, Joined Together? offers the alternative that I think is the best and only solution for ultimate fulfillment. However, In retrospect, one of the limitations that I feel is inherent in the video is its presentation of this only one solution to the issues at hand, making it seem biased and one-sided. I am aware that this has been typical within the evangelical community. Too often we are reluctant to present all options in an even-handed way while allowing the truth to rise to the top.  

I believe that if we present all points of view fairly, the truth will seem that much more real. Oftentimes believers find it difficult to address subjects as Paul did on Mars Hill. We frequently take a bellicose stance toward other cultural viewpoints than those we believe to be true.  

To compensate for the lack of alternate viewpoints in Joined Together?, I usually let people know that the video does have a specific agenda that represents just one point of view. This has proved effective in diffusing any objections viewers might have. 

Joined Together? has received dozens of responses such as the following: 

During a pre-wedding planning meeting of a mixed couple (he is gentile and she is Jewish) Bonnie and I were able to follow the concepts taught in Joined Together? We were able to lead the young Jewish lady to the Lord. Adam and Julianne can now begin their new life together with new life in the Messiah!

Within Our Community

Thus far, I have only encountered one non-believer who was offended by the content of this project. (In that case, I had not prepared him about the agenda and he felt duped.)

However, I was surprised to find mixed responses to the video from within the Messianic Jewish community. Some of my Messianic Jewish friends were agitated that the agenda of the film was not slightly different.  The feedback from some Messianic groups was most peculiar.  

Some of them had presuppositions about how the non-believers in the film should feel or respond instead of listening to how the Jewish-gentile couples were actually responding. That signals a potential inability to empathize with or care for the challenges of Jewish-gentile couples.  

We always run the risk of imposing our own concept of a Messianic Jewish community on others, rather than listening to their real needs. Hopefully, as a community we can find a number of models that work for different individuals.

Be ready in season and out

I encourage the reader of this article to equip him or herself to minister to Jewish-gentile couples. I have opportunities to share the Lord on a casual basis almost every week. I fully attribute this to being prepared. I am looking for opportunities, always carrying resources on hand. Last Rosh Hashanah I went to services at a Messianic synagogue. Afterward I walked across the street to a store for a take-out lunch. 

The matzo ball soup didn't have a single matzo ball in the broth. I complained to the store clerk, more loudly than I realized. Out of the blue, a college age girl overhearing me asked, "Are you Jewish?" I told her "yes," and that I had just come from services across the street at a Messianic synagogue. Suddenly, she started telling me about her parents being intermarried and how confused she was. She was really trying to sort it all out.